senti

The Early Monsoon in the Arabian Sea and the Deep Depression in the Bay of Bengal have made things little easy. They have kept Chennai cool and with it the ME present in it. But then emotions cannot be cooled down by temperatures and as I spend my last days in Cognizant, I found myself running an emotional riot. Main tho full time Senti kaa gaya re…

For anything n everything there is a first and my first is/was indeed the best. I am talking about my pehla pehla job, my dream Job.

I must add it before hand, for everything there is an excess baggage and I had a lot of it. Before I even started in the Job, my Job made me meet people, crazy people. Words aren’t enough to express my displeasure towards these crazy people. There are so many things that happened with them that for the first time in my life I felt there is no sanity left in life. To give some examples : the birthday parties in the house (these people even became my roomies:(:(:() which woke up neighbors, which ended with coke all over the house, Oh no… I cannot even express the situation where I took a mat to clean the floor to free it from the stickiness created from coke the morning after my birthday celebration. For someone who never cleaned a floor, I had to do it on my birthday. These crazy people even played football with me on beach because well I woke them up. Is that a reason? And I won’t even talk about the midnight Ghana Bazaana Sessions, the goofy intelligence exhibited while playing bridge and the cockiness exhibited by all carom players. To top it all, all these crazy people started hating Manchester United because well I was fanatic about them - I even had to watch Manchester United in Hostile atmosphere. I was shook by these crazy people, maybe I should start calling them goons- Yeah goons suits them better. But this isn’t about the excess baggage at all, not at all about the goons, this is about my dream job and I better start telling about it.

“Celebrating Work” , “Do Big things Early” . My Job was good at reinventing itself and it kept creating new taglines to keep the feel good factor going. Believe me! It never needed to do any of it. Anyways I remember these two taglines because these were the ones that greeted me everywhere in the sprawling campuses that my job allowed me to work in – As they say, first impressions make a Lasting impression and it worked! The Celebrations could not have began early. They started with my arrival in a place, a place so independent that they spoke only in a language they know. A Place with so much of its own tradition that it will put rest of India to Shame – Kind of Old Europe. So our celebrations began when we travelled to live in exotic jungle ( some call it jungleee… I protest!) cottages at a place which wasn’t far from sea, frogs or even snakes. Don’t worry, we did not live in a zoo but the sounds we experienced in night made sure we never missed a zoo. Though this job was my dream job, the dream never showed all this adventure. I guess I was miserly with my dreams. Coming to office, we started doing big things early. One such big thing happened on our first day when around 270 of us were asked to enter a small 2 room security building to get our visiting passes. While I don’t remember how I managed to out-think my peers in getting my visiting pass, I do remember the glowing faces that everyone carried when they got their visiting pass. It was other thing that many had a sweat bath. I remember hearing someone cursing their fate and I remember saying to myself – No Pain No Gain. As you can understand know, it’s all about perspective and I was so glad I was right.

There are too many things to write and if I already did not put you off with this lengthy ordeal, I would if I continue…

So after experiencing too many things, after achieving too many things – including the increments in my salary which have been so amazing that I resorted lying to some people about my salary because I did not want them to envy me. I think I did the right thing. I guess I allowed people to concentrate on their lives and not envy me – I am about to cut my ties with my first job. Main IS Bandhan ko thodne wala hoon…

Things have changed now. Fully built buildings have replaced elegant construction sites, too many so-called modern girls replacing the touch-me-not Indie types and even a new highway replacing the historical OMR road. As I find myself moving in the office eating a Frankie when I should have been eating a vada, I can feel this deep longing for the things as they were, as they are not. I cannot stop feeling senti!!!

PS: I am publishing this post one year after writing it. I never know why I did not publish it but then those goons reminded me about my experience

The Sun Stroke - The Doctor - The Proud Father

I went to a Doctor. I had to as I was suffering from cold which turned into cough. Blame it on my Dust allergy and my Love for Ice creams. Not much on ice cream except for this photo which activates my saliva glands every single time.

Havmers Special @ Havmers, Ohris
My Favorite Icecream at my favorite Icecream Point.

Coming to Doctor, as I found myself waiting for the Doctor, I saw a guy on the bed in the hospital. I could not help but remember me sleeping on the bed in the same hospital.

I was in 12th Standard. Back then my dad was in a pressure cooker mode, really worried about my so-called career defining exams that I was going to write in a short time. I was studying in a Day Scholars college with timings 8AM to 7PM. I dont remember the reason but one day, I guess to watch a cricket match, I acted in the college that I got sun stroke and got into an auto and came home in the afternoon. Things were fine until Dad reached home at around 5. Seeing me, he was surprised.

Dad: What are you doing here? what happened to college?
Me: I fainted dad. I guess a mild sun stroke. Came home and taking rest.
Dad: Oh no!!! A Sun Stroke at this critical juncture. I am taking you to Doctor.

At the hospital, I was worried. My bluff was going to be caught and I was preparing myself to get bashing from my dad. I was scolding myself for not telling some other reason. The Doctor examined me, asked me if I felt dizzy. I said 'Yes, thats why I fainted, now I am ok'. He basically examined me and gave his verdict.

"Your Son has got a Sun Stroke - more than mild one. He is really really weak and I am admitting into hospital straight away. Nurse, arrange the bed, get saline ready. I think we need to insert 2-3 bottles"

For a second, I was elated. My Bluff was not caught. I thought Saline will be inserted and I will be in home soon where I will be treated royally - of course I was a patient now. Then came my dads reaction, He was worried about me getting so sick, talked to doctor about my recovery period, told me not to worry and sat beside me as saline started flowing into my nerves. After a while dad left for home and I kept seeing the saline bottle - desperately trying to see its level decreasing. It was painfully slow and then my dad returned with my Mom. I was pretty positive that Mom was going to catch me - she appeared clever. Even here, my mom was wearing her mother hat and became sad seeing me, kept asking me how i felt. After a long time, the second bottle was also complete and I was glad it was over. The Doctor came and asked me how I felt. I said I am ok, just little weak, I was still acting!!! And then the doc says to my mom that he would prefer if one more bottle is inserted into me. I tried to reassure my condition but before I could convince any, my mom convinced me that I needed one more bottle and asked me to listen to the Doctor.

As I reached home, I could see my dad worried about my education and my mom worried about my health. My dad shockingly asked me if I wanted to take off from college for a few days. While such an offer was unheard of and too big to refuse, I felt so much guilt that I told my dad that I would go to college. I can never describe the pride with which my dad sent me off to college the next morning. He was a proud father.

Today as the doctor called me in, as he was asking his routine questions about my ailment, I found myself giving him a wicked smile.

Live Strong

Offlate I have been talking a lot about philosophy. I have seen vishy write remarkably about evolution. Even I discussed few things about evolution with Gyaan Guru. Anyways after reading Bill Bryson, the concept of evolution has been more endearing. The concept of God for that matter is little more complicated. Even this was discussed in detail by many around me. I do not believe in religions, castes but I just believe in the concept of God. I believe believers like me need to go through a lot of ordeal especially when they see someone close to them go through things, things that will make you wonder if a God exists and if he does, how can these things take place.

Coming to my friends, I have one close friend from my childhood, from my nursery. We share a different kind of friendship. We shared the same class until our tenth. We were best friends for most of this time. We never played together after school because he did not play. He never came out of house, never tried to get along with girls. But he always looked forward to meeting me and I always looked forward to spending time with him in his house verandah. After our tenth, things continued this way until I had to go to chennai for my Job. While going, I came to know that he has some health problem because of which he cannot work now and he needs to take some time off from any sort of work. When ever i met him when i came to Hyderabad, i found him telling the same story and I always believed him. Indeed I began to force him to start moving around and I always tried to make him think about coming out of the house. So this time I again met him after coming from UK, told him about my impending departure to US, he said he wanted to tell me a truth. As I found him telling about his disease, only one thing went through my mind - there could well have been a situation where a news could have greeted me instead of him. While I was shocked, I found him solacing me. I was the only one who knows the truth among all his friends. I was expected to be cheerful n demanding and he did not want me to pity him. I am telling you because I am not sure when you will return. Its not completely hopeless but the act of hoping sometimes looks hopeless. Not knowing what to say - I asked him if he read Its not about the Bike. I immediately felt bad. I did not want to create a false hope and I was worried that Lances word can create the same. He asked me to get the book for him. I told him that I was not sure that he should read it. He wanted to read it because he found in Orkut that it was my favorite and it seems the favorite of Sachin tendulkar also. I promised him that I would get the book for him.

That day I promised to myself that I will not pity him. I will greet him with the same energy as I always do. I would help him Live Strong. Indeed he was already living Strong.

I again met him yesterday to tell him about my Visa and that I wanted to give him a treat. I wanted to ask him what was the type of treat that he preferred. I did not yet buy the book but I was going to. In short, I was looking to spend some quality time talking fun with him. As I saw him approaching me, I noticed changes in his appearance, I found his voice trembling and I found myself abandoning the Live Strong Concept - Wearing a band isnt everything. I asked him if things were ok and I was told that they were and these changes were part of the UPs and Downs of the treatment. I abandoned everything that I wanted to do. I escaped from him because I was feeling weak. I just could not see him in this state. I promised to return back in 1-2 days. I told him that I had urgent work - I had work but it was by no means urgent. Back in home, I feel ashamed of me. About the sorry figure that I have become.

I found myself hearing to Dan Seals sing "I am going to live my life like everyday is that last, with out a simple good bye.......". I found myself crying. I confront my mom on the basis of her belief in God. God should never allow something happen to my friend, my most innocent friend. I dont know if she is right but she asked me to go and spend time with him. Asked me to realize that he is lonely and that he will like my company. Just spend time with him. It will make him feel good and will do a world of good to you. I was asked to start acting and stop thinking. As I try to get along, I promise myself tht I will listen to my mom and the next thing I am going to do is buy that book that he is looking to read asap. I will even give him a Live Strong band which unfortunately is looked upon like a friendship band in India. I will hopefully start living strong seeing him do it from close.

Pasina... Marina... But no Hasinaa

I see it. Its resemblance to my past was unmistakable. Its rough edges, i thought, perfectly blended with me. It made me remember my lost bicycle 9 years ago. I was a bicycle enthu who did not properly ride a bicycle for 9 years. Now seeing a bicycle which looked like mine excited me.

My Days in Chennai were ending. I suddenly remembered that I never went to Marina Beach. I dont know if it was the crowds that put me off or that I do not follow crowd or my goa days which made sure that I was never attracted to Chennai Beaches - the fact is even though i traveled on Marina Beach road many-a-times, I never ventured into beach. Now I felt I needed to see it.

I got up by 5:30. I took my bag to carry camera, water and purse. I planned to ride to Marina Beach from my besant nagar house. I carried purse so that I could return back in an Auto in case I did not make it. And then as I cycled to Marina, I realized that I was still good on a cycle. I reached the place quite quickly, covered most of the beach, saw children n oldies enjoying themselves, surprisingly no haseenas at all and before the sun was really out, I started back. I reached our place by 7:30 after spending some good time in beach. I just felt good, felt light is the better word. I would have enjoyed more if I had company but then it wasnt meant to be.

ps: I am officially unemploed now. Got my US Visa and Will be travelling to US on Jul 17.

Cheers!

An Innocent Thought - The Right Thought

It’s a family gathering. Parents congregate and proudly parade their children. All the parents show keen interest in asking many questions to these children. It was an informal contest between the parents and winner was the best parent whose child answered the better.

So the questions were rapid and the answers quick.
Even I was asked one such question.

What do you want to become child when you grow big?
My reply was spontaneous: 'Software Engineer'

I heard many voices. 'Good', ' Shabaash!' .....

To be frank, I really did not know what to make of all the reactions but seeing my proud parents, I knew I said something good and I was also proud!

Years down the Line, Similar family gathering. Same Parents, different children. The Smaller ones in the family also had to get their chance.

I see him alone. Gathering had an ability to bring the worst out of him. He was like this kid lost between two worlds. One which only he could understand and one which everyone except him could understand. He did not know about the questions that were going to be directed at him. He was my Peter pan, my brother.

Slowly but surely, the elders in the family catch hold of him and he is asked a similar question.

'Whets up kid? What do you want to become after growing up'
Well the kid was surprised and he really saw no reason why he had to disclose his ambitions to any. He does not answer. He goes away. His parents ask him to tell anything that he wants to tell. He says he has nothing to tell.

He hears many voices. 'His brother will direct him', 'confused bacha','Shy'

The pressure of comparison would have taken a toll on him. I knew that he would have wanted to become something. I always knew what I wanted to become. In the same way I was sure that even he knew it. For me, it was just a case of him not opening up.

After many days one night, discussing about stars, I ask him the same question and he does not answer me. He takes time to open up and I knew it. After sometime, he shared his dilemma with me.

'Well brother, I am really confused. I feel sad when I cannot say what I want to become. When I see Formula 1, I want to become a Formula 1 Engineer. When I see astronauts, I want to become one of them, when I see electronics and how they work, I want to make electronics. So I am confused, I really don’t know what I want to become'

I don’t really remember what I answered but I remember telling him to improve his fundamentals, develop a nice base for as long as he wanted, 'once you have a good base, you can build as complex a building as you want' Well.. let’s not dwell much into what I told him. I talk crap and it’s regular.

Today I saw my brother scoring a good percentage in his exams, he finally showed to some that he is something. I always knew he is better than me. For, he appreciated the world around him better than I ever did. It took me long time to really explore my options and look at the world holistically, He did it when he was a little kid telling his dilemma about not being able to decide what he wanted to become. Today when I see my dilemma, I remember his thoughts and though I always loved his thought as an innocent thought, I have only realized of late that it was the right thought.